Christmas dread has hit...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by. 

It's been a long week right? It spins me out the way the weeks fly by and yet somehow it feels like this year has just flown. I can't believe Christmas is just a few weeks away. I know I sound all Grinch like, but I hate Christmas! I don't really know why, and that chances are I perpetuate Christmas disasters with my attitude, but I can't seem to shake it off. I don't actually remember a whole lot of Christmas fun as a kid, and once I became a grown up, I was already a mum. And the best bit, watching my kids open their pressies and playing together and being happy and excited - that bit is freakin awesome. It's the rest of the bullshit I hate. 

You know, catching up with people under strict time restraints, frantically budgeting and adjusting the budget constantly, cooking, dishes dishes, dishes... Yuk! This one is going to be a hard one for me, and I am working harder at it than I ever have before. My kids are going to their dads for Christmas lunch. This will be my first Christmas since being a mum that I haven't been with my kids for the entire day. And that makes me sad. I am trying really hard to be excited for them, but I know they are nervous too. They are meeting my ex's girlfriends family and it is a hard thing to do on a big enough day already. 

I have decided to do something productive with the time away from them, and volunteered at a local soup kitchen to serve Christmas lunch. I truly am so thankful for what I have, the life and lifestyle that I have, my kids, my health, all of it. And I am hoping that doing something great for others while I am away from my kids, will ease the ache a little. 

If you are out there and reading this, and dreading Christmas too... Just know that you aren't alone. It's the loneliness that's holding me back right now, so maybe someone knowing they aren't alone in the way they feel will help them to cope a little better. 

Til next time...

How many times...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by :)

I haven't updated here in a little while, mainly I guess because life has been a giant bucket of turds, but I am still kicking so I guess I am doing okay. Right? How many times... can you just keep pulling yourself back together and soldiering on?

SO much of my life right now is - well, I am struggling a little. A lot. I feel like just when I think the world cant deliver up anymore, here it comes again. Between my ex leaving and having some financial dramas and then the ex having surgery (gall bladder), there hasn't been much breathing room. I feel like I am just trudging along until I make it to the end of each day, and while I am thankful for every day, by the time bedtime rolls around I am definitely ready for it. Then its time to get up and face another day.

My ex's surgery was hard. Its difficult when you have shared so much of your life with someone to know where you stand, especially with his girlfriend right there. Especially when she is 12 years younger than me. Especially when the way they got together was about the most crooked, sneaky, nasty thing they could have done. I don't want to sound like a petulant child, but honestly, I feel like people have conspired against me and stolen my future. Every bit of this life that I thought was concrete, guaranteed, solid... just fell away. I know its not all on her, if he didn't want to leave me he wouldn't have. And if I had been a complete asshole horrible wife, maybe I could have understood a little. I never understood people cheating, but this has just about destroyed me. I am just faking it til I make it these days.

I am trying really hard to be okay and to keep things as cruisy as I can for my kids. The back story with this guy... we met when we were 13 years old. I went home and told my parents I had just met the boy I was going to marry. And though there were some hiccups, we always seemed to come back together. He has been my best friend and my love, for my whole life, since before I knew what love was. And now, he is someone that I don't recognise. The awkwardness is killing me. I am trying really hard for a friendship - and I hope we can make it work for the sake of our kids, but this heartbreak just keeps on giving.

Tonight, one of our bunnies died. Big Boy was a lovely, cuddly, funny boy and I think he died of old age. This is the problem with rescue bunnies, you don't know how old they are when you get them and rabbits don't generally have a very long life span as it is. Cue - devastated little girl! Kiddo is absolutely heartbroken, and honestly, my kids have had enough. This has been such a tough year for them as it is, and this was just the feather in the cap. The kids dad came in and helped to bury him and after surgery there wasn't a whole lot he could do. But my little girl needed her dad and it means so much to me that we can both be there for this stuff. Its just so fucking hard.

I cry a lot these days. Some days I just need to, and if that's what I have to do to make it through, that's what I am going to do. Tonight I am having a little cry for myself, a little cry for a sweet little bunny, and a big cry for my kids. I hope life starts to straighten out for us all a little... I need some smooth sailing for a while. I'll never quit, and never give up, but I could do with some down time.

I hope if you are reading this, your life is going well... and if not, look after you too. Remember it's okay to have a cry. xox

PROJECT MY LIFE

Hey hey hey,

Hope you are having a great week! I have been flat out with study and parenting and all that fun stuff, but I managed to sneak in a little tiny bit of scrapping. People say that divorce and break ups are hard, and I don't know if I was prepared for the emotional upheaval that has happened in the last couple of months, but I am very aware at the moment of my personal dialogue - it took over 5 years of counselling for me to stop saying/thinking that I was 'f*cked in the head' and I refuse to end up back there. So I think it was appropriate to make the first page of my personal album so honest. This album is ultimately a photo based journal right now, and it gives me a place to put some of that emotional shit so that it doesn't just fester inside me.

I completed a cover page of sorts for my album and using some of the gorgeous chipboard elements now available. I love chipboard! I am not a big fan of any crazy bulk in my pocket spreads so chipboards works beautifully.

 

 

The centre card has been left empty purposely, so that I can write a dedication of sorts to myself... or perhaps a disclaimer in case anyone else reads it! Even with as much as I am sharing here, there is still some stuff that just isn't fit for the internet.

 

I think it's hard, when any sort of relationship ends, to not take it personally and find faults in yourself. Right now I really need to focus on being the best mum I can be, and trying to find a way to claw together all the bits that feel messy and scattered inside me. The fact is, the end of my relationship shook who I am as a person, and now I need to get to know who I am again - and I'll touch more on that in another post.

 

I never in a million years thought I would use an enormous photo of myself in a layout, but this photo was taken the first time my kids went to their dad's, and those big sunglasses were my best friend that day! I printed the photo at Big W, just a standard 12x12 print, with 2 photos loaded into the image. Added some text in an app on my phone and I think it came together okay. I wanted to document somehow that at this stage in my life, I feel a little emotionally warped, but that I am not broken and I'll just keep moving. I will share the other side of this layout soon.

Thanks for checking in, feel free to leave comments or questions below, and I will get back to you when I can :)

 





PROJECT MY LIFE

Hey hey hey!

If you are a regular reader, you may have noticed I didn't post last week... feels like everything here has been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, kids stuff, ex stuff and my own stuff - needless to say, my creative mojo went AWOL. It made it a looooong week too, this little creative hobby we all share is so therapeutic!

Anyway, here is a little share this week, along with some details about the upcoming cyber crop!

 

I was able to set a challenge to participate in the Cyber Crop being hosted online by Scrapping Clearly, and I have to say, I was stumped! I had a million ideas and then had to try and figure which was the best! The more I journey along with PROJECT MY LIFE, the more fascinated I become. So I set a challenge for everyone to 'CUT IT UP'. I set to work cutting up journaling cards and using the elements in hope of making some more personalised cards for my pocket layouts.

Add some sequins and some details in the journaling pocket and looks pretty good to go! I have used a selection items and they can all be found in the best ever scrapbooking store over at www.scrappingclearly.com.au We have some great challenges planned for the Cyber Crop, and would love you to pop in and join us! There are some cool prizes to be won for entering your layouts! Details are available here, https://www.facebook.com/events/1507252866263055/ hope to see you there!

Thanks for stopping by :)

Another day, another drama...

Hey there,

Thanks for stopping by! I am going to try and post in here a little more often :) Writing down the shit that storms around in my head seems to be working well and the poor old mojo seems to respond well, so whatever works, right?

Being a 'single mum' is not a position I ever thought I would be in again. I believed that because we (he and I) have made it through a mountain of crap together that we were guaranteed, rock solid, completely secure in our relationship together. I don't know what happened... I know he got bored, or maybe it was a 'holy shit I am getting old' moment. I know that I had reached a point in my life and in my relationship where I was so anxious all the time, I would find myself awake at 4am feeling like I was drowning. My health was suffering and there didn't seem to be a whole lot of my life that was in my control. Yet I never thought about bailing, not about anyone else or ever being with anyone but him.

I don't know where I became someone that he could pass on. I have a million questions that I don't actually want the answers too lol, and that alone sounds crazy.

I seem to spend a lot of time looking at the sky at the moment. More often than not, its when I am with my kids and I am doing anything I can to fight back tears. How the hell did I get here? I ask myself that question multiple times a day. The support I have had from friends in the last few months has completely blown my mind. And I am so very very thankful for those people. I like to think I am tough, and I am trying to make sure that I stay strong and brave but honestly, I am just putting one foot in front of the other, hoping to make it to the end of the day. Im not depressed now, just trudging.

I miss him... more than I should. His actions and choices hurt me, badly, and yet I know I still love him. He has moved on, and I just want to maintain a friendship, and be great co-parents, and hopefully friends. He has been my best friend for as long as I can remember... I know I know, best friends don't hurt each other like that.

Better keep trudging!

'Til next time xx

PROJECT MY LIFE

Hey hey hey!

How is your week going? Been scrapping? Creating anything? I have been kinda slack this week, and right now I am writing this post from bed... with a shocking wind/sunburn! We went and watched the kids sports carnival and oh my word - I am glowing such a bright shade of red right now, they could probably use me to guide ships at sea! Ouch!

I have an awesome share today - I have played with the WeRMemoryKeepers Fuse tool and I am so impressed with this little invention! I have completed a 'different' layout, being that I have not used typical photos.

In going through this weird place in my life, there are some interesting little things that have happened. Like the universe is speaking to me lol, and a friend tagged me in one of these quotes on a Facebook post. It was so fitting for me, and I went looking and copied a heap of the quotes. I thought that I could use them in my scrapping pages, but then decided to showcase them just as they are.

I grabbed a 12x12 Project Life sleeve and set to cutting my quotes down (I just had these printed at my local print station) and teamed them so they were back to back. I cut them down to 2x2 squares and then measured out sleeve spaces. Pop in some spunky sequins and I ended up with a page of wonderful quotes and some super cute little window pockets! These pockets are so much fun and using the Fuse tool you can create pockets in any size/shape you can think of!

Here is a link to the supplies I used, which you can find in the Scrapping Clearly store - http://www.scrappingclearly.com.au/shop/group/photo-sleeve-fuse/ Keep an eye on the blog and shop too, there is some exciting new stock coming, that I just can not wait to get my hands on! If you are feeling inspired by anything you see here on the blog created by the design team, we would love to have you share on our Facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/groups/175973739217297/ you can also find some great challenges and competitions!

PROJECT MY LIFE

Hey hey hey!

Ree here again with another Project My Life share! This share is a little different to my usual, in that its from a different album. It has been a kinda weird time in my life of late, and inspiration sometimes feels a long way away. My relationship (almost my whole adult life, 2 kids etc) has recently come to an end, and my Project My Life visions and ideals have somewhat changed. SO, in sharing what is truly Project My Life, here is a layout from my personal album. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that creating our albums should showcase the incredible lives we all live, but honestly, sometimes it isn't incredible. Sometimes its hard, and ugly and I need to record these elements of my life, even if its just for me. I have the album being created for my family, and the one that is just mine, and in having that album I have the opportunity to be a little more real. There is some hidden journaling going in this layout, but other than that, its all out there in the open. I guess I am using this to deal with my stuff, and one day, if my babies are ever in a position that they might be going through their own issues, maybe this will be a help to them then.

This layout did not come together easily, sometimes the emotional crap gets in the way and the mojo cant do it thing, but it came together and ultimately I am pretty happy with it.
I wanted to really make it smooth and let it flow, so I went with minimal embellishments and showcased the Thickers! The Heidi Swapp Value Kits are amazing value and have so so many pieces, its always my go-to when I need just that little something. The little stamped hearts on the last image are using the Heidi Swapp planner stamps which are new in the store and I LOVE THEM!

So, if your still reading, tell me about some of the hard stuff you want to scrap, or wish you had scrapped. Leave a comment, I promise to read and reply :)