Christmas dread has hit...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by. 

It's been a long week right? It spins me out the way the weeks fly by and yet somehow it feels like this year has just flown. I can't believe Christmas is just a few weeks away. I know I sound all Grinch like, but I hate Christmas! I don't really know why, and that chances are I perpetuate Christmas disasters with my attitude, but I can't seem to shake it off. I don't actually remember a whole lot of Christmas fun as a kid, and once I became a grown up, I was already a mum. And the best bit, watching my kids open their pressies and playing together and being happy and excited - that bit is freakin awesome. It's the rest of the bullshit I hate. 

You know, catching up with people under strict time restraints, frantically budgeting and adjusting the budget constantly, cooking, dishes dishes, dishes... Yuk! This one is going to be a hard one for me, and I am working harder at it than I ever have before. My kids are going to their dads for Christmas lunch. This will be my first Christmas since being a mum that I haven't been with my kids for the entire day. And that makes me sad. I am trying really hard to be excited for them, but I know they are nervous too. They are meeting my ex's girlfriends family and it is a hard thing to do on a big enough day already. 

I have decided to do something productive with the time away from them, and volunteered at a local soup kitchen to serve Christmas lunch. I truly am so thankful for what I have, the life and lifestyle that I have, my kids, my health, all of it. And I am hoping that doing something great for others while I am away from my kids, will ease the ache a little. 

If you are out there and reading this, and dreading Christmas too... Just know that you aren't alone. It's the loneliness that's holding me back right now, so maybe someone knowing they aren't alone in the way they feel will help them to cope a little better. 

Til next time...

How many times...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by :)

I haven't updated here in a little while, mainly I guess because life has been a giant bucket of turds, but I am still kicking so I guess I am doing okay. Right? How many times... can you just keep pulling yourself back together and soldiering on?

SO much of my life right now is - well, I am struggling a little. A lot. I feel like just when I think the world cant deliver up anymore, here it comes again. Between my ex leaving and having some financial dramas and then the ex having surgery (gall bladder), there hasn't been much breathing room. I feel like I am just trudging along until I make it to the end of each day, and while I am thankful for every day, by the time bedtime rolls around I am definitely ready for it. Then its time to get up and face another day.

My ex's surgery was hard. Its difficult when you have shared so much of your life with someone to know where you stand, especially with his girlfriend right there. Especially when she is 12 years younger than me. Especially when the way they got together was about the most crooked, sneaky, nasty thing they could have done. I don't want to sound like a petulant child, but honestly, I feel like people have conspired against me and stolen my future. Every bit of this life that I thought was concrete, guaranteed, solid... just fell away. I know its not all on her, if he didn't want to leave me he wouldn't have. And if I had been a complete asshole horrible wife, maybe I could have understood a little. I never understood people cheating, but this has just about destroyed me. I am just faking it til I make it these days.

I am trying really hard to be okay and to keep things as cruisy as I can for my kids. The back story with this guy... we met when we were 13 years old. I went home and told my parents I had just met the boy I was going to marry. And though there were some hiccups, we always seemed to come back together. He has been my best friend and my love, for my whole life, since before I knew what love was. And now, he is someone that I don't recognise. The awkwardness is killing me. I am trying really hard for a friendship - and I hope we can make it work for the sake of our kids, but this heartbreak just keeps on giving.

Tonight, one of our bunnies died. Big Boy was a lovely, cuddly, funny boy and I think he died of old age. This is the problem with rescue bunnies, you don't know how old they are when you get them and rabbits don't generally have a very long life span as it is. Cue - devastated little girl! Kiddo is absolutely heartbroken, and honestly, my kids have had enough. This has been such a tough year for them as it is, and this was just the feather in the cap. The kids dad came in and helped to bury him and after surgery there wasn't a whole lot he could do. But my little girl needed her dad and it means so much to me that we can both be there for this stuff. Its just so fucking hard.

I cry a lot these days. Some days I just need to, and if that's what I have to do to make it through, that's what I am going to do. Tonight I am having a little cry for myself, a little cry for a sweet little bunny, and a big cry for my kids. I hope life starts to straighten out for us all a little... I need some smooth sailing for a while. I'll never quit, and never give up, but I could do with some down time.

I hope if you are reading this, your life is going well... and if not, look after you too. Remember it's okay to have a cry. xox

PROJECT MY LIFE

Hey hey hey,

Hope you are having a great week! I have been flat out with study and parenting and all that fun stuff, but I managed to sneak in a little tiny bit of scrapping. People say that divorce and break ups are hard, and I don't know if I was prepared for the emotional upheaval that has happened in the last couple of months, but I am very aware at the moment of my personal dialogue - it took over 5 years of counselling for me to stop saying/thinking that I was 'f*cked in the head' and I refuse to end up back there. So I think it was appropriate to make the first page of my personal album so honest. This album is ultimately a photo based journal right now, and it gives me a place to put some of that emotional shit so that it doesn't just fester inside me.

I completed a cover page of sorts for my album and using some of the gorgeous chipboard elements now available. I love chipboard! I am not a big fan of any crazy bulk in my pocket spreads so chipboards works beautifully.

 

 

The centre card has been left empty purposely, so that I can write a dedication of sorts to myself... or perhaps a disclaimer in case anyone else reads it! Even with as much as I am sharing here, there is still some stuff that just isn't fit for the internet.

 

I think it's hard, when any sort of relationship ends, to not take it personally and find faults in yourself. Right now I really need to focus on being the best mum I can be, and trying to find a way to claw together all the bits that feel messy and scattered inside me. The fact is, the end of my relationship shook who I am as a person, and now I need to get to know who I am again - and I'll touch more on that in another post.

 

I never in a million years thought I would use an enormous photo of myself in a layout, but this photo was taken the first time my kids went to their dad's, and those big sunglasses were my best friend that day! I printed the photo at Big W, just a standard 12x12 print, with 2 photos loaded into the image. Added some text in an app on my phone and I think it came together okay. I wanted to document somehow that at this stage in my life, I feel a little emotionally warped, but that I am not broken and I'll just keep moving. I will share the other side of this layout soon.

Thanks for checking in, feel free to leave comments or questions below, and I will get back to you when I can :)