How many times...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by :)

I haven't updated here in a little while, mainly I guess because life has been a giant bucket of turds, but I am still kicking so I guess I am doing okay. Right? How many times... can you just keep pulling yourself back together and soldiering on?

SO much of my life right now is - well, I am struggling a little. A lot. I feel like just when I think the world cant deliver up anymore, here it comes again. Between my ex leaving and having some financial dramas and then the ex having surgery (gall bladder), there hasn't been much breathing room. I feel like I am just trudging along until I make it to the end of each day, and while I am thankful for every day, by the time bedtime rolls around I am definitely ready for it. Then its time to get up and face another day.

My ex's surgery was hard. Its difficult when you have shared so much of your life with someone to know where you stand, especially with his girlfriend right there. Especially when she is 12 years younger than me. Especially when the way they got together was about the most crooked, sneaky, nasty thing they could have done. I don't want to sound like a petulant child, but honestly, I feel like people have conspired against me and stolen my future. Every bit of this life that I thought was concrete, guaranteed, solid... just fell away. I know its not all on her, if he didn't want to leave me he wouldn't have. And if I had been a complete asshole horrible wife, maybe I could have understood a little. I never understood people cheating, but this has just about destroyed me. I am just faking it til I make it these days.

I am trying really hard to be okay and to keep things as cruisy as I can for my kids. The back story with this guy... we met when we were 13 years old. I went home and told my parents I had just met the boy I was going to marry. And though there were some hiccups, we always seemed to come back together. He has been my best friend and my love, for my whole life, since before I knew what love was. And now, he is someone that I don't recognise. The awkwardness is killing me. I am trying really hard for a friendship - and I hope we can make it work for the sake of our kids, but this heartbreak just keeps on giving.

Tonight, one of our bunnies died. Big Boy was a lovely, cuddly, funny boy and I think he died of old age. This is the problem with rescue bunnies, you don't know how old they are when you get them and rabbits don't generally have a very long life span as it is. Cue - devastated little girl! Kiddo is absolutely heartbroken, and honestly, my kids have had enough. This has been such a tough year for them as it is, and this was just the feather in the cap. The kids dad came in and helped to bury him and after surgery there wasn't a whole lot he could do. But my little girl needed her dad and it means so much to me that we can both be there for this stuff. Its just so fucking hard.

I cry a lot these days. Some days I just need to, and if that's what I have to do to make it through, that's what I am going to do. Tonight I am having a little cry for myself, a little cry for a sweet little bunny, and a big cry for my kids. I hope life starts to straighten out for us all a little... I need some smooth sailing for a while. I'll never quit, and never give up, but I could do with some down time.

I hope if you are reading this, your life is going well... and if not, look after you too. Remember it's okay to have a cry. xox